The Fellowship of Evil
by lindir's gaze
Summary: Sauron decides to take matters into his own (figurative) hands and recruits other villains to his own fellowship. His goal: to invade the Shire and take back his One Ring. [Crackfic, OOC, general insanity]
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

-Barad-dûr, Mordor-

The many pointed facets of the dark tower glinted in the torchlight as orcs moved about, forging weapons and carrying out the evil designs of their master Sauron. Two orcs in particular were headed towards the lowermost parts of the structure, where the dungeons held their newest prisoner.

Both orcs held jagged swords which had been stained with the blood of other orcs. Despite being lowly grunts in the pecking order of the orcs, neither of them were strangers to violence.

"Hey, did you hear they're serving tacos in the mess hall today?" the first one, Burz, asked.

"Are you sure? Because last time they said it was tacos, but they just chopped up Radnag and mixed him in with some tortilla chips," his companion, Lurz, responded.

"Oh, yeah, that's what happened to Radnag. I thought he got a transfer to Udûn."

"Nope."

The two orcs continued in silence for a while, until they reached the cell where the prisoner was being held.

Burz rattled the bars of the door. "Oi, you in there, freak?"

A bone was thrown in his direction. "Don't call us freak, orcses! It hurts our feelings!"

"Wait, us? How many of you are in there?"

"Just one," Lurz said. "He's got multiple personalities or something."

A pair of glowing eyes appeared in the shadows, and the creature known as Gollum crept closer to the door.

"Okay, well, all of his personalities are due for torture on level 253 in like, ten minutes, so let's get this moving." Burz opened the cell door and grabbed Gollum.

"Yeah, speaking of, the elevator's broken again."

"What the fuck?"

"And Lug and Bug invited me to go get tacos with them. So this one's on you. Bye!" Lurz walked away, breaking into a run as he turned the corner.

Burz made a mental note to recommend Lurz as taco meat.

-254 Flights of Stairs Later-

Burz dragged himself into the room using his orcish upper body strength, his legs having failed him many stairs ago. Gollum was waiting farther inside, trying to find anything in the room that was edible.

"We were waiting for you! Nasty slow orcses!"

Burz shakily gave him the middle finger.

Radlag, the torture orc, walked in, carefully stepping over the downed Burz. "The prisoner in here?"

Gollum screamed and began throwing random objects at Radlag.

"Yup."

"My fucking legs…" Burz groaned.

"Look, my grandma Mudbag always told me the best remedy for an injured body part is to just cut that shit off. She was down to just a torso and part of her neck when she told me that, and I have never seen that orc in pain in her life."

"You don't have an Icy Hot or something?"

"Nah, I'm more of a home remedy kind of guy." Radlag picked up an axe.

"Y-Yeah, you know what? I just remembered, I have a shift shoveling coal for the furnaces. Bye!" Burz stood up and booked it.

"Weenie." Radlag closed the door, then turned back to Gollum. "Now for the real fun…"

-Barad-dûr, Level 462-

"Which is better...A? Or B?"

"Hmm...show me A again."

The orc optometrist (orctometrist) sighed and flipped back to the giant lens labeled A.

"Yeah, no, I think I like B better."

The orctometrist nodded and scribbled something in his notes. "Well, Lord Sauron, it appears that while you have perfect 20/20 vision, your depth perception appears to be lacking. This could be due to any number of conditions, among them amblyopia, optic nerve hypoplasia, strabismus…"

"Or maybe it's because I only have one fucking eye."

"Or that, or that…"

"I don't even want these lenses for my eyesight. I need them so I can incinerate things that are really far away. Like an ant under a magnifying glass, except more awesome," Sauron said. "Then I'll be able to Death Star Minas Tirith."

Another orc ran up onto the top floor, breathing heavily. "My Lord Sauron! I have urgent news!"

"What is it?"

"Just give me a second.." The orc took out his inhaler and took a couple breaths from it. "Okay, it's about the prisoner. Radlag managed to get answers out of him, but he died from exhaustion climbing up to tell you. His final words were to pass on the message to me so I could tell you."

"I don't care, just get on with it. Do we know where the ring is?"

"All the creature would say in regards to that were the words _Shire_ and _Baggins_."

If Sauron had had a chin, or hands, he would have rubbed his hypothetical chin with said hands. "Shire...Baggins…"

"Yeah, that's almost exactly what he said. Except with more screaming."

"Ready the Nazgûl immediately! They must go to Baggins and get this Shire person!"

The orc exchanged glances with the orctometrist. "Is that...I mean, I thought it was the other way around. Like 'Shire' sounds like more of a place."

"Baggins also kind of sounds like a place," the orctometrist said.

Sauron sighed. "Okay, you know what? Bring up the creature, I'll ask him myself."

The orc crossed himself as he trudged back over to the stairs. Moments later, a scream was heard followed by the sound of various orc body parts hitting the stairs at various intervals.

"He fell, didn't he?"

"Yup."

"Should we just wait for the elevator to get fixed?"

"...Yup."

-Post-Elevator Repair-

"Heed me, puny creature! What is the meaning of these names of which you speak: Shire and Ba—Shire and—for the love of god, would you stop screaming?"

"IT BURNS US, PRECIOUS! THE BRIGHT EYE BURNS US!"

The orctometrist slowly slid a pair of sunglasses onto Gollum's face, stopping the screaming. He turned to Sauron and shrugged. "He's got pupils the size of coins, what can I say?"

"Well, _my_ pupil is the size of your whole body, and you don't see me screaming my head off every time I look at the sun."

"That's because the massive pollution in Mordor's skies have prevented a sighting of the sun for over three thousand years."

Sauron was silent.

"Nasty eyeballs! What does the slightly-less-bright-eye want with us?" Gollum hissed.

"Right. Explain to me the meaning of the words Shire and Baggins. And how do they relate to my ring?"

"THE PRECIOUS! BAGGINS STOLE THE PRECIOUS! WE HATES HIM FOREVER!"

"So Baggins isn't a place? Guess that messenger orc was right after all."

"He's dead," the orctometrist pointed out.

"Why are you still here?"

"We has an idea, precious!" Gollum said, turning away from Sauron. "We shows the bright eye the way to the Shire, uses his power as protection, and then we takes the ring for ourselves!" He stopped talking to himself and looked up at Sauron. "We shows you the way to Baggins!"

Sauron blinked, causing all of Mordor to go dark for a second. "You do realize you just...you know what? Great idea. Let's go to the Shire, and let's take the ring back from this Baggins guy. It's time I did something myself for once."

"Yay!" Gollum started doing a demented dance.

Sauron turned to the orctometrist. "You! Go get my armor and my mace. Call the Nazgul to Minas Morgul. And get me a large coffee, black. We're going on a quest."

 **If any of you can type the word "orctometrist" correctly in one try, I'll give you seven coins.**

 **Anyway, welcome to my newest crackfic! I've already written another for LotR as well as one for The Hobbit and Sherlock. Feel free to check those out if you liked this one.**

 **And as always, feel free to leave a comment letting me know what you thought of this chapter. Next time we will meet another member of the Fellowship of Evil, as they will probably eventually start calling themselves. Stay tuned!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

"I...I don't think you're going to fit."

"What the hell does that mean? You haven't even tried putting it on me yet."

"But…" The orc, named Gorzag, who had been tasked with bringing Sauron's armor up to the top floor, looked from the person-sized black armor to the gigantic flaming eyeball glaring down at him.

"Are you trying to say something? You think I've been putting on weight because I've just been sitting around for the past five hundred years?"

"I-I mean…"

"You know what? I've actually _lost_ weight assuming this form. How the fuck do you think I'm up here floating? That's right. The scale shows negative weight for me. Now put on my goddamn armor before I incinerate you."

Gorzag looked at his two buddies who were struggling to hold up Sauron's mace. They pretended not to know him.

-Two Hours Later-

"It didn't fit." Sauron was still armorless. Naked, as some might say. Gorzag was dead.

One of the orcs holding his mace said, "Do you still want this?"

"What the shit am I supposed to do with a mace? Do I look like I have hands?"

The other orc shrugged. "Wasn't there a Hand of Sauron at one point?"

"Yeah, but he got killed by some fucking ranger. Speaking of, though, where's my Mouth? I could use his help." He turned to one of the orcs. "Go get my Mouth."

"Big eyeses…" Gollum said to himself in the corner. "We wonders if he has big mouthses too."

-Later-

"God dammit, Eye, I was in the middle of a dental appointment," the Mouth of Sauron said. "This better be important."

"Uh, I'm over here," Sauron said. "Turn him around."

One of the orcs walked over and turned Mouth around, since the giant metal plate over the top half of his face prevented him from seeing anything. Hence why he's the mouth and not the eye.

"Big mouthses?" Gollum hopped over to where Mouth was standing. "Can we eats it?"

"No, you can't eat my fucking mouth, that's gross and weird," Sauron said.

"What about big earses?"

"Oh, the Ear of Sauron is out spying in Dale right now. You know, that whole body part thing started as a joke, what with me being the Eye of Sauron, but eventually it got to the point where I've got almost all 7,500 named body parts scattered across Middle Earth."

"We did not ask for exposition, did we, precious?"

"Uh…" Mouth raised his hand. "What am I doing here, again? I really need to get back to my—"

"Forget your dental practice, Mothman. By the way, that's what I'm going to call you from now on. The Mouth of Sauron is too much of a...mouthful." Sauron turned to one of the orcs. "High five me, that was a good one."

"That's not even—what—-okay, never mind. Just tell me what this is all about," the newly dubbed Mothman said.

"Well, I found out where my ring is. It's in the Shire. And I want your help getting it back."

"Should I ready the Nazgûl?"

"That's a good idea, they can come too! Let's all go to Minas Morgul."

"Oh, you mean…" If Mothman had possessed the ability of sight he would have looked Sauron up and down. "You're coming too?"

"Yeah. I just gotta…" Sauron hopped down from the two spiky things holding the corners of his eye, the impact with the floor shaking the whole tower. " _Fuck_ , that hurt. Where are the Legs of Sauron?"

"Racing with the Haradrim. Those bastards have gotten rich by betting on each other."

"Okay, hold on…" Sauron grunted, then slowly began to rise off the ground. "Yes! Wait, I can't stop! Someone hold me!"

His yelling excited Gollum's delicate temperament, and the creature began screaming as well as Sauron started to float away from the tower.

One of the orcs quickly snatched up a chain and threw it around Sauron, holding him in place.

"...Thanks."

-Barad-dûr, Ground Level-

"Take care of the tower while I'm gone," Sauron said to a group of orcs. "Just keep forging weapons and shit. Once I get back with my ring, we're razing Gondor to the ground. Be ready."

With that, the three of them set off: Gollum holding Sauron by the chain like some misshapen, fiery, evil balloon, and Mothman with a seeing-eye warg to help him in the right direction.

"We knows the way out of Mordor," Gollum said, walking on all fours—or threes rather, as one hand was holding the chain.

"We're not leaving Mordor just yet," Sauron said. "We have to go get the Nazgûl from Minas Morgul. I said that, like, ten minutes ago."

"We doesn't have good memories, precious!" Gollum spat onto the ground. "We doesn't remembers things good!"

"You don't talk good either," Mothman muttered, then cursed as he tripped for the fiftieth time.

"Well, can you at least try and remember anything else about Shire or Baggins?" Sauron asked. "I want to know what we're up against."

"Baggins is nasty," Gollum said. "Nasty thiefs. He stole the precious! HE STOLE IT!"

"We've already covered tha—aaaand he's screaming again." Sauron turned his soul-piercing gaze to Mothman, who was unaffected for reasons previously mentioned. "What about you? Heard anything about Shire or Baggins?"

"I cleaned the teeth of some orcs a while back who'd gotten some pretty sick weed from a place called the Shire," Mothman said.

"Drug dealers, eh?" Sauron laughed evilly. "So is this whole business with the ring goes south, and Baggins tries to get it back, we can always just call the cops and let that resolve itself."

"The...cops?"

"The Middle-earth police? You've never heard of them? Eh, never mind."

-Minas Morgul-

"Hey, Witch-king? You in there?" Sauron called up to the sinister green spires of the Nazgûl fortress. "Ugh. Can someone knock?"

"I don't know where the door is," Mothman said.

"Gollum? Can you help a Dark Lord out, here?"

"Always makes us do the dirty work, precious," Gollum muttered. He grabbed a rock and banged it on the door. "Never appreciates us."

"I really like what they've done with the place," Sauron said. "The green lights add a nice creepy effect to it. Wish you could see it, Mothman."

"You know, you could always just take this metal thing off of my face. I'm not actually blind, or anything."

"It's okay. I like you just the way you are."

 **Anyone here play Middle Earth: Shadow of Mordor? I put a little reference to that in here because it's one of my favorite games.**

 **And if you want to read more about the Middle-earth police, check out my Hobbit crackfic.**

 **Credit to darkshire dot net for all the orc names.**

 **Huge thanks to Galadrielcats and star for the nice comments! Feel free to drop a review about any parts you liked, or any characters (or Sauron body parts) you'd like to see in future chapters. Stay tuned for the next chapter!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

The doors of Minas Morgul swept open, spilling cold green fog out into the open. A menacing, black-cloaked figure stood before the small group and said in a sinister, hissing voice, " _Who dares encroach upon the spires of_ —oh, it's you, Sauron."

"Yeah, it's me, Sauron." He narrowed his eye, making everything a little dimmer. "Where the hell have you guys been? We've been waiting out here for half an hour."

"Sorry, we were just wrapping up our epic thirty-year-long DnD campaign." The Witch-king of Angmar gestured for them to come inside. "Want some snacks?"

The inside of Minas Morgul was a pretty sick setup. Several green and black couches were arranged around a seventy inch flat screen with a full surround sound system, next to a minibar and fully stocked fridge.

The other Nazgûl, named Khamûl, Taz, Bart, Decepticon, Butch, Kirby, Apollo, and Tylenol, waved to them from the couches.

"Wait, how the hell do you guys have all this shit?" Sauron asked. "The Barad-dûr elevator breaks every fifteen minutes. And our reception sucks."

"We don't allow orcs in here," Khamûl said. "That's why none of our shit's broken."

"And we take turns cleaning the place because we're a loving and supporting family that works well as a team," Decepticon said.

"None of that sappy shit. It disgusts me," Sauron said. He turned to Mothman. "Spit for me."

"What? I'm not gonna do that."

"You're my literal _mouth_. That's the entire purpose of you! I can't spit, so do it!"

Meanwhile, Gollum had figured out how to open the fridge and was rooting around for food. "We was so hungry, precious. Where are the fishes?"

"Goldfish are in the cabinet above the stove," Bart said.

"So did you just come here to steal our snacks?" asked Kirby.

"No, I wanted to ask for your help," Sauron said. "I told one of the orcs to call, but—"

"Your reception sucks?"

"...Yeah. Once I take over the rest of Middle-earth, I won't have to worry about that shit anymore. Which brings me back to my original point. I found out where my ring is, guys!"

"That's nice."

"And you're all gonna help me get it back, right?"

The Nazgûl exchanged glances. "Actually, we're pretty comfortable where we are."

"But you have to help me. As wearers of the nine rings you're literally bound to my will."

"But isn't that only if you have the one ring?" Tylenol pointed out.

Sauron was silent.

"Gollum! Gollum! Gollum!" You can guess who was choking on Goldfish crackers in the back of the room. "RAHHH!" He threw the bag away. "WE HATES NASTY CRACKERS FOREVER!"

"Come on!" Sauron whined. "I need more than three people to form an awesome fellowship to get my ring back. It'll be awesome. I'll let you ride your weird dragon things."

The Nazgûl huddled together and whispered about it. "Fine," the Witch-king finally said. "But we get first dibs on Minas Tirith. Any of their shit we want, we get."

"...Deal!"

"Yeahhhh!" There were high fives all around, which took a long time since there were nine of them.

-Later-

"Where do we go now, precious?" Gollum asked with his mouth full. To shut up his requests for fish, the Nazgûl had given him some sushi, which he was eating in the worst way possible.

"Okay, I actually have a question about that," Sauron said. He was tethered to the fridge while Mothman was picking out new robes with Bart and Kirby. "What's the whole deal with this 'precious'? Is it like a nickname, or do you have some sort of verbal tic, or..."

"We doesn't know what Big Eye is talking about, precious." Gollum shoved another piece of sushi into his mouth. "Not at all, not at all."

Mothman walked up to them and held up two robes. "What do you guys think? Should I go with ebony or charcoal?"

"They are the same, precious."

"Ebony," Sauron said. "But why do you care? You can't see any of it anyway."

"Sauron…" Mothman sighed. "You are a real…"

"Piece of shitses, precious!"

"Not what I was going to say, but that works."

"I hate you both," Sauron said.

-Even Later-

The group of now twelve people were ready to leave Minas Morgul. There was only one problem.

"WE DON'T WANT TO RIDE ON THE NASTY BEAST, PRECIOUS! WE HATES IT!"

The Witch-king of Angmar turned to Sauron while Tylenol was trying to get Gollum to mount one of the horses. "Why are we bringing that thing along, again?"

"This dude weighs like thirty pounds, how is he so strong?"

"He's our primary source for the location of the ring," Sauron said. "And he can be funny, sometimes."

"Fuck it." Tylenol knocked out Gollum and placed him on the back of the horse. "We ready to go, guys?"

"Yes. Jesus Christ. Can we just get this quest started, already?" Sauron bitched.

"Go team," Mothman cheered. "Nothing can stop us now."

-Fifteen Minutes Later-

"We have been stopped."

The whole group was stalled in the middle of the pass, their horses having been caught up in the spider webs that covered the ground.

"Bullshit!" Sauron fumed. "I swear, I'm just tryna get my ring back, and every five minutes some other bullshit happens. I spend thousands of year serving Morgoth, finally get my own gig, and do I get to sink an entire continent? Nooooo, I get tugged around like some demented balloon with a gross creature and a gross dentist—"

"I am not defined by my occupation," Mothman said.

"—shut the fuck up. This is the last goddamn straw. I swear, if it turns out this bitch Shelob is behind it, I'll tear all eight of her stupid legs off. Can you believe she gets eight eyes _and_ eight legs? The sheer entitlement, I swear."

Everyone looked up as a looming shadow appeared on the wall of the pass.

"Like, does she really think she can just sit around and eat my fucking soldiers with no consequences? I am the Dark Lord for fuck's sake, and I will not tolerate a single day more of...she's behind me, isn't she?"

"Hey, guys," Shelob said, eight eyes blinking. "What's going on?"

 **Thanks to star, Galadrielcats, and A. J. Parker94 for the comments. You guys are awesome. Welcome to all new readers and I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter! Just a heads up, next week I'm going back to school and I don't know how often I'll be able to update but I'll try to keep it weekly.**

 **Please leave a comment letting me know what you thought/which characters you're looking forward to! Until next time!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

"What's, uh...what's going on?" Apollo, who was closest to the giant spider, laughed nervously at the seemingly mundane question. "You know, we're just, uh…"

"Oh, sorry, was that not menacing enough?" Shelob bent down and ate Apollo in a gruesome fifteen minute display that made them all cry.

"Oh, god, I didn't even know he had that much blood!"

"Nooo! Don't look Taz, don't look!"

"I think I'm gonna….heuhhhhh..."

"Oh, the humanity!"

"I can't see shit but the noises are enough to make me shed a tear!" Mothman said. "Sauron, cry for me!"

Sauron shed big flamey tears for his body part friend.

"Sorry guys," Shelob said once she was done. "Needed to set an example, you know? Stake my claim on my territory."

"I'm about to stake your fucking eyeballs, bitch!" Decepticon ran at her, Morgul blade raised. She used her giant...ass segment...to hit him away.

"FEAR ME!" Sauron stared at her really hard. It wasn't very effective…

"Can't you use the Fist of Sauron, or something?" Butch asked.

"That's just the Hand of Sauron, and it was already established that he died," Mothman said.

"Thank you, Mothman."

"You're welcome, Sauron."

"Uh, a little help, guys?" Tylenol was stuck between Shelob's pincers, using all of his strength to keep himself from being crushed.

Khamûl lifted his sword high. "Dynamic duo power! Come on Apollo, lets...oh, right."

Kirby jumped off his horse and went for the legs. Shelob stepped on his foot, making him cry.

"You guys suck!" Sauron shouted. "Aren't you supposed to be my most feared servants?"

"Stop talking and die!" Shelob turned around and sprayed webs on Mothman.

"Oh god, is she peeing on me? What's going on?"

"Pull it together guys," the Witch-king of Angmar said. "We need a plan of attack."

"Guys, I can't move!"

"My mouth feels sticky," Sauron said.

"Khamûl, Taz, Bart, and Decepticon, you guys distract her. Butch and Kirby, disable the web shooters. Tylenol, you and I will go for the eyes."

"You know I just heard everything you said," Shelob said, then charged.

"Change of plans! SCATTER!" The Nazgûl all dove to the side.

Sauron looked around, since that was basically the only thing he could do at that point. Shelob was turning around, trying to decide which ringwraith to eat first. The Nazgûl were lying on the ground. Mothman was stuck in webs. Gollum was still unconscious.

 _Brute force isn't going to work,_ he thought. _Well, time to do what I always do when I can't win a fight!_

"Shelob, why don't you join us?" Sauron asked.

The spider stopped trying to tenderize Butch with a rock. "Huh?"

"We're going on a quest to find my ring, and we could use someone of your size and strength. Wanna come?"

The Witch-king of Angmar jabbed his finger in Shelob's direction. "This bitch killed Apollo! I'm not working with her."

Sauron tried to make a 'cut it out' motion, but it didn't work since he was only an eye. "Damn, I really need to find my other body parts…"

"If I help you guys on this quest, will I get to eat people?" Shelob asked.

"Sure," Sauron said. "Just not any of us."

"Okay, I'm in."

-Later-

The Nazgûl held a service for Apollo while Shelob put webs over her caves to keep intruders out, Mothman finally got free, Gollum was still unconscious, and Sauron did absolutely nothing.

"Dear Lord Morgoth in the Void, take care of Apollo's black soul and guard him in eternal darkness," the Witch-king of Angmar said. He turned back to his laptop. "Hey, someone's already applied for the opening on Linkedin. The name's Bowser...and he looks like he has all the credentials. Looks like we're back to nine again!" High fives all around.

The clanking noise of their metal gauntlets finally woke up their fish-loving companion.

"Wakey wakey," Sauron said, glaring down at Gollum. "Great of you to clock out during that spider fight."

"I do say, I don't believe I would have been much help at all during such an altercation."

"...What?"

Gollum stood up straight and bowed. "My apologies, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Professor Patrice, and I am a marine biology instructor at the University of Middle Earth."

"Guys?" Sauron called over to the Nazgûl. "Are you seeing this, or am I high?"

"Doesn't Gollum have multiple personalities?" Mothman pointed out. "This might be one of them."

"Quite correct, my odontological friend," Professor Patrice said, clasping his hands behind his back.

"This is just wrong," Sauron said. "Someone knock him out again."

"With pleasure." Tylenol bashed Professor Patrice on the back of his head.

A minute later, Shelob came back. "Did I miss anything?"

"Nothing that could be easily explained."

"We're past it anyway," Sauron said. "No more getting sidetracked. Let's get this show on the road. To Gondor!"

"Wait, why Gondor?" Shelob asked.

"We gotta go through there to get to Isengard, where I'm gonna ask my buddy Saruman to join our cause. Plus I figured we could rough up a few Gondorians, show 'em we mean business."

"Go through enemy territory in which we'll be severely outnumbered? Sure, that doesn't sound dumb as shit at all."

"We have a giant fucking spider and nine...sorry, eight awesome wraith warriors. Plus the awesomeness that is ME! And I guess those other two."

"Go team," Mothman said. Gollum was unconscious.

"All right then, let's get to it," Shelob said. "If this turns out to be a massive fuck-up, it'll at least be funny."

-Osgiliath-

Two soldiers were standing on the wall the western side of the city, watching the opposite side of the river.

"Hey, are you going to D Club today?" the first one asked.

"Maybe, I dunno. Captain put me on the late shift tonight so I might just take a nap when I get back."

"Oh. Cool."

"Yep."

"I hate wall shift."

"Me too."

"It's boring."

"Yeah."

The first guard lifted his spyglass and scanned the other side of the river. "Oh shit, we got company. Twelve o'clock, a giant spider, a fiery eye, some riders cloaked in black, and some weird goblin thing."

"Yeah I see them, the eye is super bright. Should we call it in?"

"I'm not doing the paperwork."

"Me neither. Let's just take a bathroom break and hope they're gone when we come back."

"Great idea. You should really come to D Club."

"Not gonna happen, George."

 **I hope this chapter made you laugh! Huge thanks to Emperor DeLacus, Midnight Musings and Queries, star, A.J. Parker94, and Galadrielcats for the reviews. It really means the world to me to get this positive feedback. Also credit to A.J. Parker94 for naming the new Nazgul Bowser.** **Feel free to leave a comment** **letting me know what you would like to see next or what you would like to see more of! Stay tuned for the next chapter!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

"Sauron, what does your great eye see?"

"Lots of things. I am ever-watchful, bitch." Sauron continued to scan Western Osgiliath. "Also, it looks like those two guards who I thought had spotted us just left to go on bathroom break."

"How do you know they went to the bathroom?" Mothman asked. "They could have been going to D Club."

"What the hell is D Club?"

"Master Sauron." An orc walked up to them and bowed. "The army is ready for a siege, as you ordered."

"Great. You guys are going to be the distraction, while I go in with the big guns. Right Shelob?"

The giant spider turned towards them, spitting out an orc leg. "Eh?"

"Dammit, Shelob, I told you not to eat any of my orcs! Wait until we cross the river, and then you can eat all the Gondorians you want."

"I need ten thousand calories per day. You think these webs come out of thin air? No. Stay out of my business."

"I'm giving you the middle finger right now," Sauron said. "You can't see it, but it's happening."

"Charge!" All the orcs got into their boats and began crossing the river towards Western Osgiliath.

"Wait, how are we getting across?" Mothman asked. "Are we in the boats already? Someone tell me what's going on!"

"Don't worry. We came prepared." The Witch-king of Angmar pushed his horse into the water, and it immediately turned into a high-tech speed boat. The rest of the Nazgûl did the same.

"I would be jealous, but that's cool as hell," Sauron said. "Okay, everyone in. Let's get this show on the road."

Kirby grunted as Shelob climbed into his boat, nearly capsizing the entire thing.

Sauron chuckled darkly, looking out across the water at the besieged city. "Your defeat is nigh, Gondorians."

-Fifteen Minutes Later-

"OH, GOD, WE'RE LOSING!" an orc screamed before being decapitated.

"THEY HAVE SHARP SWORDS!" another orc said, pulling one out of his gut.

"I have no idea what's going on but it doesn't sound good," Mothman said, holding a still-unconscious Gollum in his arms.

"Get down!" Tylenol tackled them, pushing them behind a wall and narrowly avoiding a volley of arrows.

The whole of Osgiliath was in chaos, with soldiers and orcs warring against each other. The poorly-planned attack on the orcs' part resulted in many casualties for that side.

"All right, team. Time for the Nazgûl Nine Dynamite Attack!" The Witch-king of Angmar raised his sword.

"But boss, there's only eight of us," Khamûl said.

"Just do it anyway, this isn't a fucking cheer squad pyramid."

Minutes later, the wraiths were whirling through Gondorian troops and slaying many soldiers. A couple blocks away, Shelob was devouring dozens.

"I still don't get how you do that so quickly," Sauron said, just watching as usual. "It's disgusting."

"We need backup over here!" Mothman shouted, wincing as a decapitated orc's head landed next to him. At least, that's what it sounded like. "Wait, maybe Professor Patrice's intelligence can save me." He started shaking Gollum's shoulder. "Wake up!"

Gollum sat up, then pulled out a strange device from…somewhere. He flipped it open. "Kirk to Enterprise, do you copy?"

"Help!" Mothman shook his shoulder again. "Can you get us out of here? Wait, which personality am I talking to?"

"The name's Jim Kirk, Captain of the Enterprise. We gotta find cover, fast." Kirk pulled out another strange device and began firing lasers at the Gondorians.

"Dude, that's fucking awesome!" Decepticon said as he passed. "Can I have one?"

"Let's go!" Kirk grabbed Mothman's arm and they ran behind another wall. Another volley of arrows shot past their heads. "Kirk to Enterprise, I'm pinned down! Do you copy?"

"I got this." Shelob sprayed webbing over the arrows, then ate the archers.

Mothman winced. "That noise is going to haunt my nightmares."

Meanwhile, a couple of soldiers were trying to sneak up on Sauron, both of them quaking in their boots. One of them signaled to the other to perform a pincer maneuver, but before they could move they found themselves under a very evil, fiery gaze.

"You thought you could sneak up on me? I'm the all-seeing eye, BITCH!"

One of the soldiers wet himself.

"NAZGÛL DIVEBOMB!" Taz swooped down on a Fell Beast and dropped a handful of explosives into one of the watchtowers. The structure exploded, sending rubble flying everywhere. One of the pieces landed on Kirk, knocking him out again. The Gondorian flag fluttered from where it had been hanging, floating down and landing on Sauron.

"I can't see! What's going on? Dammit, now I know how Mothman feels."

"I appreciate your sympathy," Mothman said, then lifted his head at the sound of clanking armor.

"Hands up! We've got you surrounded!" a soldier said, pointing his sword at the dentist.

"I'll take your word for it."

"The Eye is down!" another soldier shouted, grabbing the flag that was covering Sauron. "Get him!"

A bunch of soldiers began kicking the flag.

"OW THAT'S MY **FUCKING** EYE!" Sauron shouted. "When I get out of here, you'll be the first to die."

The Nazgûl surrendered too, seeing their master being captured. "I'm sorry, guys," Taz said. "This is all my fault."

"We forgive you," the Witch-king of Angmar said. "You're our brother and we all love you unconditionally. But you did absolutely fuck things up."

"Round up all the prisoners," Captain Faramir said. "Yes, including that one," he said to a guard who was deciding whether to put Gollum in Trash, Recycling, or Compost. "We'll see what my father wants to do with them."

"Oh my god, it's Captain Faramir!" Bart said. "Can I have your autograph?"

The Witch-king of Angmar smacked him upside the head.

"This FUCKING sucks!" Sauron said from underneath his flag. "I hate everything! Now I feel like Gollum. Why are these hardships forcing me to empathize with my compatriots?"

"Compatriots," Mothman said. "You're making me blush."

"Can we shut these guys up?" Faramir said.

"Put something in my mouth, I fucking dare you."

"Do these guys even have mouths?" One of the soldiers looked into the soulless black void beneath the Nazgûls' hoods, and immediately had his spirit broken. "Death would be the greatest of mercies," he said, and walked away.

"…Or not. Let's just get these guys over to Minas Tirith," Faramir said.

"A foolish mistake," Sauron said to himself. "They must have forgotten the last time an army of men tried to take the Dark Lord prisoner…" He chuckled darkly. "Things are about to get interesting."

 **Faramir cameo, yay! And for those of you who don't understand the last line, Sauron was taken as a prisoner of war in the second age and basically went from being a war criminal to the king's trusted advisor in a matter of years. Silmarillion nerd here, sorry.**

 **Also sorry for not posting for so long. I'm going to be in, like, ten different countries over the next few weeks so things are a bit hectic. Please bear with me!**

 **Thanks to Emperor DeLacus, BlackBloodAndDeadlyNightshade, star, Midnight Musings and Queries, A. J. Parker94, and Galadrielcats for the awesome reviews! I hope you all enjoyed this chapter, and please feel free to leave a review for any more ideas. It always makes me smile!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

Getting the group of villains into Minas Tirith turned out to be one bitch of a problem. First, they had to figure out how to get Shelob to the city, since she couldn't fit inside the wagon with their human-sized prisoners. Sauron was strapped to the roof.

"If you put those on me I _will_ bite through them," Shelob told the crying soldier who had drawn the shortest straw and was now attempting to put chains on her. "This is kind of embarrassing, actually. I'm gonna go find some cows to snack on." She walked away.

Faramir put his hand on the shoulder of a soldier who was making a half-hearted attempt at pursuit. "Let's just not. We have the leader, anyway. Maybe this achievement will finally make my father realize that I have always tried to be a good and responsible son." His grip tightened. "I have always tried to live up to the bravery and valor of my brother Boromir, so that my father will one day love me."

The soldier nodded, sweating profusely.

Meanwhile, in the wagon, Tylenol managed to send one final message before his laptop was taken away, and the wagon door shut. "That was our last hope," he said to himself. "I hope the message will reach its recipient…"

-Minas Tirith-

Denethor was walking through the halls of the city. "Today might actually be a good day…"

Faramir waved at him from the end of the hall. "Father, I have some good news!"

"God dammit." Denethor looked at the torch to his right. "Someday...but not today." He turned back to his son. "What do you want?"

"We captured the Dark Lord Sauron. He is being held prisoners within these walls."

"Where's Boromir?"

"Oh, he's up in Rivende—wait, did you not just hear what I said?"

"Oh, I did. You captured the Dark Lord Sauron, blah blah blah. What a great accomplishment. I want to share a celebratory drink with my son Boromir."

Faramir sighed.

-The Dungeons-

The Nazgûl, Mothman, and Gollum were all crammed into one cell.

"God dammit," the Witch-king of Angmar said. "We have to figure out how to get out of here. Anyone have a lock pick?"

"What about the spiky things on your helmet?" Khamûl suggested.

"This helmet is welded to my head."

"Well, that's never stopped us before, has it?" They all shuddered as they remembered the Great Fuckening of '87.

"Fine. Do what you must."

-Ten Minutes Later-

The feared and sinister Witch-king of Angmar was being held completely horizontal, part of his helmet wedged inside the lock of the dungeon door.

"Bart, hold up the legs!"

"I'm trying! Witchy, stop squirming!"

"MY SCALP FEELS LIKE IT'S COMING OFF!"

Kirby chuckled. "Just like like the Great Fuckening of '93."

"Any progress on the lock?"

Decepticon, who was closest to the door, squinted at it. "Almost, I think if you just twist—" A loud snapping sound echoed throughout the room.

After a few minutes of silence, the Witch-king of Angmar said, very calmly, "Put me down."

"Maybe Gollum could help us," Tylenol said. "His last personality had a laser shooter, it was awesome! Let's wake him up." He shook his shoulder.

Those disturbingly big eyes opened.

"Please be a useful personality…"

"AGGHHHH! BRUISES ON OUR HEAD, PRECIOUS! WE HATES IT!"

Everyone sighed in resignation. Taz discreetly took a flask out from his cloak and drank from it.

-The Throne Room-

"You know, I really like what you've done with the place," Sauron said, looking around. "It's nice." The flag had been taken off, and he was floating in the middle of the room, while Denethor and Faramir stood on one end.

"Who is this supposed to be, again?" Denethor asked.

"Father, this is the Dark Lord Sauron, the evil mastermind who has been plaguing our defenses for decades."

"Suck my dick a little harder, why don't you," Sauron said.

Faramir flipped him off.

"Well, this is a great victory for the kingdoms of men. I just wish Boromir had been the one to do it." Denethor took a swig of wine. "Go away, Faramir. Your presence is making me day drink."

"I don't know why I bother." Faramir left.

"So…" Sauron said. "Let's have a little chat, shall we? Man to all-powerful deity."

-The Void-

Morgoth scoffed. "Technically, _I'm_ the all-powerful deity."

-Minas Tirith-

Denethor slammed his fist on his throne. "You will be punished for your crimes! As soon as we figure out how to kill you."

"About that! I actually might be able to help you towards that end."

"Your manipulative tongue will never...wait, what?"

-Elsewhere-

The Tongue of Sauron felt strangely insulted.

-Minas Tirith-

"I can only be killed if my ring of power is taken deep into Mordor and cast into the fiery chasm from whence it came."

-Rivendell-

Elrond looked up. "Hey, that's my line."

"What?" Arwen asked.

"Nothing."

-Minas Tirith-

"Stop cutting away from me!" Sauron snapped.

"What?" Denethor asked.

"Nothing. Anyway, I found out where my ring is. It's in the Shire. If you join us to go get it back, then you'll have the tool you need to punish me for my crimes or whatever."

Denethor thought long and hard about that statement. "Okay, correct me if I'm drunk, but...you want me to help you get the ring so I can...kill you?"

"If you want to think about it that way, yes. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em."

"How does that make any sense?"

"Think about it. I just gave you an opportunity to eradicate an evil that has been plaguing your kingdom for generations. Are you just gonna pass that up?"

"But…why would you give me the object that has the power to kill you?" Denethor rubbed his forehead. "My head hurts…"

If Mothman had been there, Sauron would have smiled. "We'll burn that bridge when we get to it."

"Don't you mean—"

"I said what I meant."

-The Dungeons-

Morale was low. Gollum had finally stopped screaming, leaving the rest of them to nurse their headaches.

"We're never going to get out of here, are we?" Taz slouched against the wall.

Someone appeared at the dungeon door, holding a ring of keys. "Not stuck in here, you're not."

"That was a cool entrance line, but it didn't really w—holy shit, have you come to rescue us?"

"Bowser!" The Witch-king of Angmar stood up, headache forgotten. "How did you find us?"

"Tylenol sent me a message saying to meet for an interview in the dungeons of Minas Tirith," Bowser said. "Took me a while to beat all the guards so I could get in, but here I am." He unlocked the door.

"You're hired, bro!" The Witch-king of Angmar stepped out of the dungeon and slapped him on the back. "Welcome to the Nazgûl!"

"Yay, we're nine again!" High-fives all around.

"This is great, but we should really go find Sauron," Mothman said. "I can't imagine what kind of tortures he must be enduring…"

-The Throne Room-

"Okay, I'll let you go," Denethor said. "And I'll come with you. I want to see how my favorite son Boromir is doing, anyway. Staying here with Faramir has made me absolutely miserable."

"Never speak to me about your family drama again," Sauron said. "That makes _me_ absolutely miserable."

Denethor blinked. "All right. Well, I'm going to tell the people that I'm going with your group as well as an entourage of guards to execute you all outside the city. Once we're out of sight, w—"

"I don't give a fucking fuck! Just get us out of the city and over to the Shire! Jesus, you're making me want to day drink."

The whole room shook as nine wraiths, one mouth, and one...whatever Gollum is broke in through the door.

"Sauron! We've come to rescue you!"

"I never thought I would say this, but thank god. I mean, I don't need rescuing physically, but this asshole was getting on my nerves."

Denethor was too drunk to be scared by the home invasion. "So are we still following this asshole's plan to get us all out of here?"

"Sure, why not."

-Outside of Minas Tirith-

Denethor, along with a procession of guards and the rest of the villains, were walking outside the city.

"How far are we going?" one of the guards asked. "I thought you would have wanted a public execution."

"BANZAI!" Shelob jumped up from where she was hiding behind a rock, devouring the guard. The rest of them screamed and ran, but the giant spider was too fast (and hungry).

"Well, that solves that problem." Sauron turned to a cowering Denethor. Even intoxication could not counter the terror of Ungoliant's spawn. "Meet Shelob, our resident psychopathic spider."

"We're all psychopaths here, I don't think you need to use that as a label," the spider said, devouring an entire leg in one bite.

Mothman winced. "That's still disgusting."

"Impressive…" Gollum said, watching Shelob.

"Well, the gang's all back together now," Sauron said. "Everyone, this is Denethor. He joined our party. No questions." If he'd possessed hands, he would have rubbed them together. "Now, FINALLY we can get the ball rolling."

 **A bit of a longer chapter, because I couldn't figure out where to end it.**

 **I bet you guys didn't expect Denethor to join the Fellowship. In all honesty, I got the idea from an edit I saw on tumblr with pictures of nine lotr antagonists, and his picture was in it, so that's why he joined.**

 **I should also mention that two of the Nazgûl are named after my dogs. Try and guess which ones ;)**

 **Thanks a lot to Galadrielcats, Midnight Musings and Queries, star, and BlackBloodandDeadlyNightshade for the reviews! You guys are the best.**

 **As always, I hope this chapter made you laugh, and feel free to leave a comment about what you thought or what you're looking forward to. Until next time!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

"Hey, Sauron?"

"What is it, underling?"

Mothman sighed. "So my understand was that we were going _west_ to get help from Saruman. But right now we're heading east, back into Mordor."

"That would be correct."

"I mean, you're the boss and everything, but I was just wondering, since you've constantly been bitching about how you want to get this quest going and everything…"

"Worry not," Sauron said calmly. "This is only a tactical detour."

-Barad-dûr-

Sauron sidled up to a random orc. "Hey, can you go get my headphones for me? They're on the fiftieth floor. I just forgot them last time I left, and I can't listen to music without them…"

"Master, have you retrieved your one ring? Is that why you have returned?"

"No, not yet. I just forgot my headphones."

"Okay. I'll go get them." The orc frantically tried to wave off the congratualtory parade coming down the street.

-Later-

"Let's head up through the Black Gate this time," Sauron said as they began walking through Mordor. "I want to see how things are going up there."

"That's quite a detour, isn't it?" Denethor whispered to Mothman. "It seems to me that he just likes wasting time."

"Well, I get paid by the hour, so I'm good with it."

"We can see lots from up here!" Gollum jumped up and down from his perch on Shelob's back. The spider shrugged and kept walking.

"I would have thought you'd be annoyed by that," Butch said. "And possibly eat Gollum in your anger, ridding us of his screaming forever."

Gollum spat at his head. "We screams in your soup tonight!"

"What?"

"Eh, I don't really mind," Shelob said. "He's ugly and annoying, but in a strangely endearing way, kind of like the giant cyst I had on my back at one point. Thing wouldn't go away for five centuries, until one day I bumped against a rock in my caves and it exploded."

"That story made me want to throw up and kill myself," Butch said.

Mothman stopped walking as he felt something squish beneath his feet. "Oh my god, what did I just step on?"

"Careful!" Sauron snapped. "That's the Kidney of Sauron."

"But it's the size of a regular kidney," Denethor said.

"I am severely dehydrated. And the other one got donated to Morgoth after an elf stabbed him."

"So you had two kidneys, but only one hand?" Mothman asked.

"Well, I had a hand who actually got things done. He was killed by a ranger a while back. The other Hand of Sauron is my JO hand."

"What is JO?" Gollum asked.

"Nobody tell him," said Buch.

"...And where is this other hand?" Denethor asked.

"Obviously with the D—"

"PLEASE don't finish that," Mothman said.

-The Black Gate-

The area was thrown into chaos as orcs and trolls alike tried to hide beer bottles and Scrabble games from their approaching master.

"What is he doing here?" one of the orcs hissed as he shoved a bottle into the dirt. "The gate has been dead for weeks! No invasions or anything!"

"No idea." His pal gave up and just decided to eat the Scrabble tiles to hide the evidence.

Lurtz and Gothmog, the two orcs in charge of the gate, stood at attention. "Lord Sauron! To what do we owe this visit?"

"That's how you greet your superiors," Sauron whispered to Mothman. He turned back to the two orcs. "Oh, just checking in. How are things here?"

"Oh, you know," Lurtz said. "Staying vigilant."

"Gothmog, you're looking…like you usually do."

"I now have all three types of diabetes, plus a fourth one unique to my failing body," Gothmog said.

A drunken orc stumbled up and put a hand on Lurtz's shoulder. "Heyyyy howzit bout that rave in Amon Hen tonight?"

Lurtz shoved him off. "Shut up!"

"Imagine there's an eyebrow raising above me right now," Sauron said. "What did I just hear?"

"A raid," Lurtz said. "We were planning a _raid_ in Amon Hen tonight, and Baznag here was just…preparing."

"I know what pregaming is, Lurbowitz," Sauron said.

"That's not even my real name."

"I care not. But I want to see how this raid goes tonight. I need to make sure my troops are prepared for our imminent invasion of Gondor. If it goes well, I might even let you guys join my evil team. So make it a good one, all right?" He floated away.

Lurtz facepalmed. "We are so screwed…"

"I need to go get my anxiety medication." Gothmog walked away.

Sauron floated up to his compatriots. "You guys want to go to a raid tonight in Amon Hen?"

"Is there fishses, precious?" Gollum asked.

" _Are_ there _fish_ , you mean," Denethor said. Gollum spat on him.

"You know, I've never tried fish before," Shelob said.

"We shows you best fish with crunchy bones!" Gollum began jumping up and down.

"I do love a good crunch when my struggling prey dies between my mandibles," Shelob said.

Bowser looked up. "Wait, did Sauron say a rave in Amon Hen? I'm down!"

"We love raves too!" The Nazgûl all high-fived.

"Someone made a Facebook event for it," Khamûl said, looking on his laptop. "Apparently Saruman's Uruks are bringing hard liquor and something called Longbottom Leaf."

"I had some of that once," Bart said. "Best six days I've ever not remembered."

"Let's all get wasted, high, and arrested!" The Nazgûl all high-fived again.

-Amon Hen-

Denethor narrowed his eyes. "So this...this is the evil of Mordor in its most vile form."

The rave was in full swing. _Ancalgon and the Dragons_ was blasting from the speakers set up around the area. Many drugs and alcohol were consumed.

"My eye hurts from the strobe lights," Sauron complained.

"My ears hurt from the loud music," Mothman complained.

"This'll take the edge off!" The Nazgûl were doing lines of coke off the Witch-king of Angmar's spiky helmet.

"Hey, where's Gollum and Shelob?" Mothman asked.

"I don't know or care," Sauron said. "Drink some of that Númenor Iced Tea for me, will you? Get us both drunk."

"Is that even how it works?"

-Two Hours Later-

Lurtz and Gothmog walked up to the group. "How are you guys—hooooly shit Sauron, your eye is rainbow!"

"I can see through spacetime," Sauron said. "I've looked into the void and the void is out there and I can't believe, oh hey, guys, why are you doing the backflips?"

"They eats the big mushrooms," Gollum cackled. "Nasty mushrooms. We will stick to catching fish with Big Legs."

Shelob blinked five out of eight of her eyes. "Big Legs?"

"Holy shit, you ate those?" Decepticon asked. "You're only supposed to breathe near them, or you risk overexposure."

"Why are you sounding so far away?" Mothman was spinning in place. "I am bees the water and cheese." He fell over.

"Shit!" Denethor cursed as someone spilled very potent liquor on his clothing. He backed away and almost bumped into a torch. "That was a close one."

"D-D-D-D-oes anyone see those eyes?" Sauron asked, staring at Lindir's eyes from where they were peeking beneath some bushes. "They're staring at me. I'm scared!"

Gothmog started coughing. "Okay, who brought peanuts? Someone get my Epi-pen!"

Across the clearing, a large crash sounded. "YOU STEP ON MY CRACKERS?" one of the trolls raged, ripping the limbs off an orc.

"Okay, time to go," Lurtz said, pushing the group towards the exit.

"Stop, I'm going too fast!" Sauron screamed. He was floating in place, his pupil the size of a dinner plate.

Gothmog held out one hand as a barrel of liquid spilled over, rapidly running towards an open flame. "Don't let the Maedhros's Hard Lemonade touch the—"

-Isengard-

Saruman looked out the window of his tower in time to see a massive mushroom cloud of an explosion on the eastern horizon. "...What the hell?"

 **Thanks to Galadrielcats for the Kidneys of Sauron suggestion. And thanks to A. J. Parker94 for reminding me of my most iconic joke/character of all...lindir's gaze itself.**

 **Apologies for the delay in updating. I got really sick, and then I had midterms, etc, etc. Things are calming down now so I'll try and write more.**

 **As always, huge thanks to Midnight Musings and Queries, Galadrielcats, BlackBloodAndDeadlyNightshade, Chocolate 366, A. J. Parker94, star, and Emperor DeLacus for the feedback. It makes me really happy to know you guys are enjoying this story. And please feel free to leave a comment letting me know what you think, and if there's anything you'd like to see in future chapters!**


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

The Witch-king of Angmar banged together some pots and pans. "Rise and shine!"

Sauron groaned. "I'm so dry…where are the Eyelids of Sauron?"

Mothman rolled over and began coughing up blood.

"Oh, don't be such a baby," said Tylenol. "You guys have been out for two weeks."

"…Two weeks?" Sauron twitched.

"Kind of impressive, honestly. Usually it takes five hundred years to purge what you guys had from your body," Lurtz said.

"Or for me to purge mucus during allergy season," said Gothmog. Decepticon scooted away from him.

"We waits for two weeks and eats lots of fish," Gollum said, crunching a trout between his teeth.

"I swear, he's been eating fifteen fish a day and hasn't gained a pound," Taz said. "It's kind of concerning."

"Maybe he burns it all with his extreme hyperactivity," Kirby suggested. Gollum threw the rest of the fish at his head.

"Pay attention to me!" Sauron bitched. "I think those mushrooms killed some of my body parts…"

"Death would be an endless relief," Mothman muttered.

"Drink some Red Bull until your heart stops beating. That always does it for me," said Khamûl.

"Well, we're all technically already dead, so…" Tylenol pointed out.

Shelob walked over and punted Sauron into a tree. "Pain is the ultimate motivator. Now get up."

And the journey continued.

-The Dead Marshes-

Bart prodded the murky water with the tip of his evil, poisonous sword. "This is gross."

"What's gross?" Mothman accidentally walked into a puddle and began to cry silently.

"Be grateful the Nose of Sauron isn't here," Sauron said, floating comfortably above the bog. "Because I have a feeling this place smells horrible."

"Then Big Eye would bitch at us, precious," Gollum said, managing to stay dry as he traversed the grass.

Shelob was struggling, at least two of her eight legs being stuck in the mud at any given moment. "Motherfucking shit. This is going to take forever." She paused as she felt Denethor trying to climb onto her back. "Get. Down."

"But it's swampy…" He slid down dejectedly. A burst of flame suddenly appeared from the ground, almost catching his robes on fire and burning him to death. "That was close."

"Stop talking. As the only man in this group, your opinions are forfeit," Sauron said.

"How am I the only man in this group?"

"Keep up! I'm a genderless manifestation of cosmic power, Mothman is an extension of my physical form, the Nazgûl are…well, they're dead, so they don't count."

"Thanks," came nine simultaneous voices.

"Shelob is probably female, Lurtz and Gothmog are orcs, and Gollum is…uh…"

"Hey, Gollum," Shelob called. "What are you?"

"We are ahead of you," he responded from way farther down. "Keep up!"

"Oh god, I think I'm allergic to something in this swamp," Gothmog said. "Guys, I'm swelling up!"

-That Night-

While everyone was resting, Sauron floated over to Shelob. "So how's it going, my eight-legged friend?"

"I'm starving. There's nothing to eat in this goddamn swamp."

"There's plenty of flies."

Shelob glared at him. "That's like eating air. I had a friend who went on a fly diet, and she starved within two weeks."

"Oh…"

"The hell are you talking to me for, anyway?"

"I dunno, I feel like we don't talk much. I mean, you're an ancient evil spider, and I'm a powerful dark lord…I feel like we should have a more Ungoliant-Morgoth relationship, you know?"

"No."

Mothman sat up. "Did you guys hear that?" The Nazgûl were all sitting in a circle, and didn't respond. "Hello? What are you guys doing?"

"Well, it's the twenty-second, so probably their monthly circle jerk," Sauron said. "What did you say you heard?"

"Every time I think this group has finished testing the limits of my sanity…" Mothman shook his head. "I thought I heard this weird whispering noise coming from the water."

"Huh." Sauron floated over to the water and looked down. "If there's anything in here, I'll be able to see it. God, this water is like Shelob's ideal Lunchable's package."

Eight eyebrows were raised. "…How so?"

"It's got people in it." A dead soldier was lying in the water, perfectly preserved. Sauron floated closer. "Weird. I can't take my eye off of it…"

There was a loud splash as Sauron fell into the water. Predictably, Gollum started screaming.

"NASTY EYES FELL IN THE WATER!"

"Someone pull him out!"

"Someone shut him up!"

"Aw guys, are we really leaving the circle jerk early?"

Underwater, Sauron looked around and saw several ghostly figures reaching for him. "Wow, this is a lot deeper than it looks from the outside."

" _We shall take your soul…_ "

"Oh, hey, you guys look pretty evil. How would you like to join my mission to reclaim— _are you biting me?_ "

" _Your soul will be ours_."

"Fucking get off!"

-Above Water-

"So who's going in to get him?" the Witch-king of Angmar asked.

"Nose goes." All the Nazgûl quickly responded.

"What is nose goes, precious?"

"Does my surgical replacement count?" asked Gothmog.

Shelob sighed, being the only one present who could not participate in said activity. "Fuck you guys." She walked over to the rippling water and plucked Sauron out with her mandibles.

"OH GOD, THE SPIRITS ARE EATING ME! SOMEONE HELP!" Sauron screamed.

"Dah tept meh." Shelob spat out the dark lord onto the grass, where he landed with a weirdly satisfying _plop_.

Everyone stared at the dark form on the grass.

"Shit, did my fire go out again? I hate when that happens." Sauron, now only a limp dark pupil, looked around. "Does anyone have gasoline and a lighter?"

Gollum hopped over to him. "We never eats this kind of fish before."

"I swear to FUCK if you even lick me—"

"GAH! NASTY FISH TALKS!" Gollum punted Sauron into the bushes.

"Ow…" Another burst of flame shot from the ground, reigniting the Dark Lord. "Ah, much better." He levitated from the bush and everyone cringed. "What? Why are you all looking at me like that?"

"Your eye is somehow swollen and it looks disgusting," Denethor pointed out.

"Yeah, you probably got pinkeye from the nasty swamp water," Gothmog said. "Lucky for you, it probably isn't permanent, like mine is."

Sauron sighed.

 **Thanks to TheDarkLordofDoom for asking about Sauron and Shelob's relationship. And as always, huge thanks to Midnight Musings and Queries, BlackBloodAndDeadlyNightshade, Emperor DeLacus, A.J. Parker94, and TheDarkLordofDoom for the reviews. You guys really make my day.**

 **Stay tuned for the next chapter!**


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

Bowser looked up from his laptop. "So, the closest pharmacy is in Edoras, which is a 7,253 minute walk from here."

Sauron groaned. "Let's just go. This pinkeye is killing me."

"Back into enemy territory?" Mothman asked. "Are you sure that's a good idea?"

"Well, we've got a guy on the inside, right?" he looked at Denethor.

"I try not to associate with those horse fuckers," the Steward of Gondor said.

"Wow, harsh…" Bowser muttered.

"Don't knock it till you've tried it," said Lurtz. Everyone moved away from him.

"But I'm allergic to horses," Gothmog said.

"What is horses, precious? Can we eats it?" You can guess who said that.

"How the hell do you not know what horses are?" Sauron asked. "Have you been living under a rock for the past five hundred years or something?"

"We did, precious. And we forgot the taste of bread…the sound of trees…the softness of the wind. We even forgot our own name."

"So your name's not Gollum?"

"Is your real name Professor Patrice?" Mothman asked.

"We don't know who that is, precious."

Butch shook his head. "This guy needs help."

"I have a psychiatrist you could see," Gothmog offered.

"Wait, did someone say something about horses?" Taz asked.

"What is horses, precious? Can we eats it?"

"Since we lost our horses in Osgiliath, we could get some new ones in Rohan. They probably have black horses."

"Only if I get to eat the other ones," Shelob said.

-Edoras-

"Shouldn't someone have…I dunno, sounded the alarm by now?"

"Yeah, this looks like Depression City," Sauron said. The Rohan flag fluttered down to the gate sadly. The gate itself was closed. "Someone wanna knock?"

Shelob climbed vertically over the wall and disappeared inside the city, followed by the screams of several townspeople.

"Hey, you wanna let us in? Eh, she's busy."

Bart raised his hand. "We could use the Witch-king of Angmar as a battering ram aga—"

"NO."

Denethor walked over to the smaller door set inside the gate, opened it, and walked inside. He was followed by the Nazgûl, Lurtz, Gothmog, Gollum, and Mothman.

"Oh. Okay. I see how it is," Sauron said. "I'm docking everyone's pay. I won't let this disrespect go unpunished." Silence. "God dammit."

Meanwhile, Shelob was perched on top of the stables, sniffing the terrified horses inside. "God, this is just like Easter. Can't wait to crack this bad boy open."

Gollum hopped onto the stables beside her. "What is Easter, precious?"

"My siblings and I used to go on egg hunts during the spring. The eggs were our other siblings, of course, and we fought to the death to consume the most nourishment."

"We loves eggs! Grandmother taught us to suck them."

"That's nice."

Up at the Golden Hall, Grima Wormtongue was surveying the chaos with growing panic. "Muster the Rohirrim! Where are they?"

"You kicked them all out with Eomer. Remember?" a random guard reminded him.

Grima facepalmed. "If only we had some other means of defense…"

Lurtz cackled evilly as he kicked open a door. "Any last words?"

"For Rohan!"

The orc gasped as a sword plunged through his stomach. He dropped to the ground, in incredible pain, and behind him stood Eowyn.

-Outside the Gate-

"Hello?" Sauron called. He sighed. "God dammit. I'm trying something else."

-Edoras-

Mothman paused in the middle of the fight. "Hold on, I'm getting a call from Sauron. What is it? You want me to go recruit the king? I know it worked the first time, but—okay, fine. Getting paid doesn't mean anything to me anyway. I know. Bye." He turned to the Nazgûl. "Can one of you direct me to the throne room, please?"

"HORSES!"

"Someone else?"

Gothmog was on the ground, wheezing. "I'm allergic to the horses. And the hay. And the ground."

Mothman sighed. "I guess I'll find my own way." He stepped out into the street and narrowly avoided being run over by a stray wagon.

Shelob shook her head. "That man needs help. I'm gonna go see if anything in that wagon is edible."

Gollum turned and noticed a pair of eyes watching him. They had a stare-down for approximately five hours. "DIE!"

Finally, with a crazy amount of luck, Mothman made it to the Golden Hall. The guards looked him up and down, confused.

"Eh…any weapons on your person?"

"My jaw has a bite strength of over 17,000 newtons. And I guess I have long fingernails."

The guards glanced at each other. "You know what?" one of them said. "I just realized my shift ended like five minutes ago. Silly me! So I'm just gonna…" He immediately broke into a sprint, disappearing around the corner.

The other guard shrugged, then booked it too.

"Wait, I still need you guys to open…and they're gone. Guess I'm going to have to do this the hard way."

-Inside the Golden Hall-

King Theoden, who looked like he'd died six days ago, lifted his head as the sound of splintering wood filled the hall. A hand reached in through a bite-shaped hole in the door and unlocked it from the inside. The hand then pushed open the door and Mothman stepped inside.

"Hello? Is anyone there?"

Grima knelt next to the throne. "My liege, you have a visitor. A servant of the Dark Lord. You must obey his every wish."

"Isn't…that…a…bad…thing?" Theoden asked.

"Okay, I'm coming over." Mothman began walking towards the throne. "Tell me when to stop so I don't walk into you."

They waited in silence as he shuffled across the room.

"Should I stop now?"

"No, you've not even halfway across," Grima said.

"Wow, this is a big hall you got."

"Yep."

More shuffling.

"Should I stop now?"

"Give it a few more steps. Okay, you're good now."

"Thanks." Mothman clasped his hands. "My master Sauron wishes to offer you a proposition. He's putting together a team to go retrieve his ring from the Shire, and he wants to know if you'd be interested in joining said team."

Grima raised his eyebrows. "Well, that was unexpected." He turned to Theoden. "What are your thoughts, my liege?"

Some drool fell from Theoden's mouth.

"What reason would he have for joining?" Grima asked.

"Well, Sauron gave some bullshit logic when we recruited Denethor that you could take the ring for yourself and use it to destroy Sauron, but that doesn't make any sense to me. I would say that you'd be able to make some useful connections, but so far we just have a giant egotistical eyeball, a useless dentist, some weird goblin thing with multiple personalities, nine partying wraiths, a very hungry spider, a terrible father, and two orcs, one of which has severe health problems."

"And a partridge in a pear tree."

"Don't make me come over there and slap you."

Grima held up his hands. "I didn't say anything!

Lindir's eyes retreated back into the rafters.

"What say you, King Theoden of Rohan?" Mothman asked. "Will you join our ignoble quest?"

"Eh…" Theoden said.

"What that a yes or no?"

"Hold on," Grima said. "Sometimes it can take up to five minutes for him to say something."

They waited for five minutes in silence.

"No, I think he just fell asleep."

Mothman sighed. "I think this one's a bust. Time to go."

"Wait!" Grima held out a hand to stop him, though obviously he couldn't see it. "If you're looking for more villains to join your group, and you have room for a trusty double-agent—"

"Pretty sure that's an oxymoron, but go on. Who did you have in mind?"

"Myself," Grima said. "I'm evil."

Mothman sucked in air through his teeth, which made a sound equivalent to putting a tomato in a blender. "Yeah…thanks, but no thanks. We only accept monsters and the undead. And Denethor, I guess."

"Wait, then why did you ask—"

The door burst open as Eowyn ran inside. "Get away from my uncle!"

Mothman swiveled around. "Who said that?"

"Just run," Grima said, then booked it.

"Okay." He began to run, heading straight into a wall and knocking himself out.

 **I just finished finals and I am very unemployed at the moment so expect more frequent updates! As always, thanks to BlackBloodAndDeadlyNightshade, Galadrielcats, and TheDarkLordofDoom for the reviews! I hope you all enjoyed this chapter!**


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

Eowyn drew her sword. "Uncle, are you all right?"

Theoden began snoring softly.

Mothman groaned, stirring from where he had been knocked out. "My fucking head…"

"Put some ice on it."

"Who said that?" Eowyn threw her sword into the rafters, instantly killing Lindir. She turned to take care of Mothman, but only found a mouth-sized hole in the floor. It led to a tunnel which burrowed deep into the ground. "Wow."

-The Stables-

"God, I'm so full." Shelob was lying on the floor, munching on the bone of her ninth horse.

"No fishes here. WE HATES IT FOREVER!" Gollum threw a bone on the ground.

There was a strange rumbling noise, then Mothman emerged from the earth, chewing through the dirt to reach the surface.

Gollum screamed in surprise and jumped, accidentally hitting his head on the rafters and knocking himself out.

"Okay, even for me, that was pretty disgusting," Shelob said.

"This op's a bust. Let's bounce," Mothman said, spitting out some dirt.

-Outside the Gate-

Sauron turned his soul-piercing gaze to a random merchant who was approaching the door. " _You! Let me in or I will turn your very essence inside out!"_

Peeing himself, the man walked over to open the gate…and was immediately trampled as a spider (with Gollum on her back), nine wraiths, one mouth, one orc, and one Steward of Gondor ran outside.

"Oh, I guess you guys are done now?" Sauron bitched.

"Yeah, Theoden's too old and decrepit to come with us," Mothman said. "Wait, aren't we missing someone?"

"There were too many people in this group anyway," Sauron said. "Let's just go. We're off to Isengard!"

" _To Isengard! To Isengard! To Isengard!"_ echoed around the hills.

"That was cool. Let's go."

-The Edges of Fangorn Forest-

"This doesn't look right."

"Well, it's what the GPS says," Decepticon said.

"I thought we were going to Saruman's place," Bowser said.

"We are, but we still have 235,368 steps to go. I'm guessing we have to go through this creepy forest to get there."

Mothman turned around. "Wait, why does your GPS measure distance in steps?"

"I gotta make sure I get my 10k in everyday, all right? I might be dead, but I want to be healthy."

"Legend says this forest is populated by talking and moving trees," Denethor said. There came a strange groaning sound from within. "Like that."

"Sounds like my grandmother's digestive tract on a bad day," Shelob said.

"Sounds like mine on a good day," Gothmog said.

"Let's get a move on. This group isn't going to walk itself," Sauron said.

"But don't we actually...never mind," Mothman said.

They entered the forest, and everyone shivered with trepidation. It was almost like the trees were watching them. Whether it was the shifting shadows or the visible eyeballs in some of the trees that gave them that feeling was yet to be decided.

"This shit ain't nothing," Sauron said. "Mirkwood was way worse. My work, but the way."

"But this forest feels a lot older," Mothman said.

"Very old," Denethor agreed.

"Old as balls," Shelob said.

"Hey, guys? My foot is stuck," Mothman said.

"That's not valid. You're just a mouth," Sauron said.

"It most certainly is valid! I've told you before, I'm a manifestation of a mouth, which means I have other body parts, including a foot, which is fucking st _uck_!" At the end of his sentence, Mothman's voice cracked.

Everyone was silent for a minute, then burst into laughter.

Another root appeared, trapping Mothman's other foot. "GUYS!"

"Don't worry. I got this." Taz pulled out a chainsaw and revved it up.

"GET THAT AWAY FROM ME!"

Shelob noticed Gollum had regained consciousness. "Any bright ideas? Who are we talking to, anyway?"

"I don't know! You're always asking me that!" Gollum had somehow acquired black eyeliner and long dark bangs, Tobey Maguire in Spiderman 3 style.

"What the hell…" Bart muttered.

"All of your other personalities have had a name," Mothman said. "Also, I think the bones in my feet are being crushed by this root."

Denethor looked around at all of them. "Jesus Christ, what is going on?"

"The bones in my feet are being crushed by this root."

"You can call me by my screen name, xXG077UMXx...not that you guys would even care."

"That is literally unpronounceable," Shelob said.

"Hoom...hoom...haroom…"

"Who said that?"

"Who said that?"

"Who said _that_?"

"Evil...creatures...in...Fangorn…"

By now, everyone was looking around, searching for the source of the voice.

"That literally took twelve minutes to say," Tylenol said. "I timed it."

"Hm...it...appears...I...am...stepping...on...someone's...foot…"

Mothman sighed in relief as the pressure on his feet was lifted. Then he immediately fell onto his face. "Yep, my toes are crushed."

Denethor looked up. The tree had eyes that were looking around at everyone. A hand made of branches began to reach for him. The Steward of Gondor screamed.

"RUN!"

They all took off, Shelob grabbing Mothman by his robe and flipping him onto her back.

"There's no way this slow ass motherfucker will be able to catch up with us," Sauron said.

"Yeah, you said that about that weird beetle chasing us that ended up flying up my nose and nearly lobotomizing me," Gothmog said.

"When did that happen?"

"I think we all cared so little that none of us remembered it," Shelob said.

"I still feel like we're missing someone," Mothman said.

Meanwhile, Treebeard sent out a call to the rest of the Ents to hinder the evil creatures. Mossnuts raised one of his arms to clothesline the approaching baddies.

"Watch out for that very slow-moving tree branch!" Sauron said.

"God, you're always telling me what to do!" Gollum snapped. But he ducked, and so did everyone else except Gothmog.

"Curse my delayed reflexes!" he said as he fell to the ground. He easily got up and was able to escape with the others without any Ents slowing him down.

Finally, they managed to escape from the forest and reached a barren area filled with tree stumps.

"Are we out of the woods yet?" Mothman asked.

"Yes, both literally and figuratively," Denethor replied.

"And look!" Sauron said. "If I had legs I would be jumping for joy right now. We've reached Isengard!"

 **Wow, I actually made a weekly update for once. Perks of being unemployed :)**

 **Any guesses as to who is missing from the group? Their journey does mirror the Fellowship's a little, so that is a bit of a clue.**

 **Thanks as always to TheDarkLordofDoom, BlackBloodandDeadlyNightshade, star, Emperor DeLacus, and galadrielcats for the reviews! They really brighten my day!**


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

From a balcony in his dark tower, Saruman peered down at the group approaching his fortress. "The hour grows late, and a party approaches my gates. Who dares to trespass—" He recognized the burning eye from between the giant spider and the regular sized man. "Oh, shit."

Down below, the gang watched as the white-robed wizard disappeared into his tower.

"It kind of looked like he was running away," Denethor remarked.

"Nah, he's just trying to use the stairs to come down and greet us," Sauron said. "Saruman is my most loyal and trusted servant. I know this because he's been subconsciously copying me in various ways."

"How is he copying you?"

"It's obvious. He copied my giant black tower (mine's bigger though) and my orc army (which is also bigger). Even his look is based off of mine."

The Witch-king of Angmar did a spit take.

"It's clear," Sauron said as though he hadn't noticed, "that his straightened hair but natural beard is based off the Hair of Sauron and the Beard of Sauron respectively."

Saruman finally opened the front door, his staff clenched in one hand. "To what do I owe this visit, my Lord Sauron?"

"You're invited to join our party," Sauron said. "We're going on a quest to find the one ring, which, according to my reliable source xXG077UMXx, is in the Shire."

"The One Ring?" Saruman said. "Well, I would love nothing more than to serve my master, but unfortunately I'm busy with...some landscaping and am unable to leave the house for long periods of time."

Everyone looked around. Most of the trees had been torn down and replaced with random trenches.

"I will send my loyal servant Lurtz," Saruman said. "Where is he?"

"Oh!" Mothman smacked his forehead. "That's who we're missing."

"Where did he go?" Kirby asked. "Last time I saw him, we were in Edoras."

-Edoras-

A couple of soldiers tossed Lurtz's bleeding corpse onto the pile of dead orcs. "Well, this is the last one." They began pouring gasoline over the pile.

-Isengard-

"Anyway, you're my most powerful ally, and I couldn't do this mission without you," Sauron said.

"The fuck?" Shelob roared. "I thought I was your most powerful ally! He's just an old man! I bet I could rip him in half."

"Yeah, I thought I was you right hand man," the Witch-king of Angmar said.

"Now, now, as we all know, my right hand man is the Right Hand of Sauron."

"People forgetting me, as usual," Gollum grumbled. Taz smacked him on the head, knocking him out again.

"Hm…" Saruman watched them all fight, loving the drama. "There is a task with which I could use some help. Perhaps when you have finished it I will be done with my landscaping."

"And then I'll suck up your innards like spaghetti," Shelob said.

Everyone was silent.

"Woah…" Denethor said.

"Or, by all means, keep fighting," Saruman said.

"What's the task you have in mind?" Sauron asked.

"The king of Rohan has moved his people to the fortress of Helms Deep to guard themselves against invasion. I have sent a f—"

"Stop stop stop," Mothman said. "We just met the king of Rohan. He looked like he could barely feed himself. How is he making major military decisions?"

"That son of a bitch Gandalf broke my spell that was controlling the king and making him old," Saruman said. "Anyway, I've sent a force of ten thousand to take the stronghold, and I want you guys to go help them."

"What would sixteen more do aiding an army of ten thousand?" Denethor asked.

"Nineteen if you count all of Gollum's personalities," added Bowser.

"Just send me," Shelob said. "I'm the only one who could do any real damage." She glared at them with all eight eyes, challenging anyone to disagree.

"I don't see why not," Sauron said. "All of our other invasions have been semi-successful—"

The Witch-king of Angmar did another spit take.

"And I'm happy to do anything that fucks over the Free Peoples of Middle-earth."

"You should put that on a t-shirt," Mothman said.

Butch raised his hand. "Oh, can we all get matching t-shirts?"

"We have a screen printer in one of these pits," said a random orc passing by.

"YAY!"

-Helms Deep-

The massive orc army raised their spears and chanted a war cry in the Black Speech. However, they were interrupted as a group wearing matching t-shirts pushed themselves to the front of the crowd.

"Y'all motherfuckers ready to die?" Sauron shouted at the fortress. He wasn't wearing a shirt since his flaming eye-stuff had almost immediately burned it off, but he still had the team spirit.

Everyone else was wearing one, even Shelob, whose XXXXXXXXXXL had several holes for her multiple legs. Gollum still couldn't fill out his XXXXXXXXS shirt, and Gothmog was already swelling up from his cotton allergy. A nearby orc accidentally dropped his torch, nearly hitting Denethor and setting him on fire.

The leader of the orc army, named Gurt (short for Yogurt) pulled his foot out from underneath Shelob's leg and marched up to Sauron. "Just who do you think you are? I'm in charge here."

"Nope." Gothmog took his spear and stabbed Gurt, instantly killing him.

"Wow, did he actually just do something useful?" Khamûl asked.

"I'm in charge now!" Gothmog announced to the army. "After the boss, of course," he added in response to Sauron's soul-piercing glare.

In row fifty of the army, one of the orcs scratched his ear. "Why haven't we attacked yet? Can anyone see what's going on?"

Up on the wall of Helm's Deep, the soldiers were also confused. "Why do they all have matching t-shirts?"

"Fuck it! Die, orc scum!" one of the soldiers fired his arrow, which struck directly into the eye socket of one of the orcs in the front. The one next to him crossed himself.

"GO!" Gothmog shouted, and the orcs began to charge towards the wall.

"Is that seriously your battle cry?" Mothman asked before immediately being trampled by the advancing orcs.

"We'll show you a battle cry," the Witch-king of Angmar said. "Nazgûl Yell!"

" _ **EEEEEIIIIIIIIII!**_ " They all cried, hurting the ears of everyone around them.

The sound was loud enough to rouse a certain malnourished former-hobbit. Gollum opened his eyes, which lit up like a robot's. " _Power on. Rebooting._ "

Denethor looked down at him. "Oh, this should be interesting."

" _Gollum v.6.0 was not turned off properly. Before unplugging the AC power cord, selected [Power] [Turn Off Gollum v.6.0]. If you unplug the AC power cord without doing this, data loss, corruption, or damage might occur._ "

A volley of arrows descended from the wall, striking down several orcs.

"Bring out the ladders!" Gothmog commanded.

Despite the hail of arrows, the orcs managed to lift a dozen ladders against the wall.

Shelob began crawling up one of the ladders, making the soldiers above scream in terror.

" _Why does it have so many legs_?"

One of the soldiers took a running start and drop kicked the ladder. Shelob cursed as she fell with the ladder and landed on her back on top of seven orcs. She struggled to get back up, but her legs flailed uselessly in the air.

"Shit."

Gollum began scanning the wall with a green light. " _Analysis complete. Structural integrity is at 30% at the base of the wall._ " A laser pointer indicated a sewer drain at the bottom of the wall. " _A significant combustive force could potentially compromise the majority of the structure._ "

Denethor raised his hand. "Does anyone have explosives?"

" _That will be unnecessary. Firing up laser, intensity 7._ "

"I like this personality!" Bowser yelled.

" _Loading...1%...2%..._ "

"Never mind."

Meanwhile, Mothman was tentatively walking forward. "Where's the ladder? Can someone give me a push in the right direction?"

The ladder in front of him was pushed down by one of the soldiers. Two of the slats fell on either side of Mothman, leaving him unharmed.

"I think you found the ladder," Kirby said.

"Har, har," Shelob grumbled, still flailing on her back like a turtle.

" _Laser readiness at 56%...57%..."_

"Can this thing load any faster?" Denethor, Decepticon, and Khamûl had a few spears wedged under Shelob, trying to push her upright. "Jesus, why are you so heavy?"

"You've seen how much I eat in a day."

"You know, for such a vicious spider, you have a really stupid weakness," Gothmog said.

"You will be the first to die once I'm right side up again."

"Hey, guys! I have an idea!" Mothman began tunneling into the earth, chewing the dirt and creating an underground passage beneath the wall.

" _Laser readiness at 96%...97%..."_

All the Nazgûl began cheering and hyping up Gollum.

Out of nowhere, a huge thunderclap sounded, followed by pouring rain. Sparks began to fly from Gollum's body and the lights in his eyes flickered.

" _Circuitry damaged. Shutting down_."

Denethor threw up his hands. "FUCK!"

"It's okay, guys! We still got this!" Gothmog pointed at the tunnel Mothman had created. "Everyone under the wall!"

"Can someone make this a little bigger?" Sauron asked. "I don't think I can fit down there."

"It's over, Sauron! I have the high ground!" Theoden threw a spear directly into the flaming eye.

"OW!"

Due to the sheer volume of the orcs and the size of the tunnel, it quickly became clogged and the assault stopped itself. Mothman sensed that his allies were outnumbered and tunneled back to the other side.

Shelob, who was finally upright, walked over to the squirming mass of orcs. "This reminds me of a delicacy my parents used to feed me. The tunnel was smaller and there were maggots instead of orcs. The locals called it Satan's Cornucopia. I know exactly how to fix this one."

She crawled on top of the blocked tunnel. What happened afterwards was so traumatizing to view that everyone in the vicinity blocked it from their memories. Some of the soldiers atop the wall were so horrified that their brains exploded. Mothman, though spared from the visual horrors, was subjected to the sounds of screaming, crunching, and what sounded strangely like a chainsaw.

-The Next Morning-

Gandalf and the Riders of Rohan appeared on the ridge above Helm's Deep, the sun shining dramatically behind them.

" _The dawn will take you a—_ what the hell?"

Most of the orc army was incapacitated. Some were curled up in the fetal position and crying. Others were sitting with a thousand yard stare. The men on the wall that still had the will to live were lethargically firing arrows at the orcs.

"Never forget...Never see…" One of the orcs rocked himself back and forth.

"You guys are all babies." Shelob stomped off to eat something else.

Gandalf and Eomer exchanged glances.

"For Rohan!" The riders charged down the hill.

-Isengard-

Saruman paused in the middle of snorting cocaine as he noticed the group had returned. "How fared your conquest against the stronghold of Helm's Deep?"

"I don't want to talk about it," Denethor said.

The Witch-King of Angmar pointed at his cocaine. "How much more of that do you have?"

The White Wizard sighed. "Not good, I'm guessing."

"Can someone take this spear out of my eye?" Sauron asked.

 **Oops this chapter was longer than expected. Also RIP to that t-shirt joke that I beat to death.**

 **In case you didn't notice, I threw canon to hell in this chapter. I just wanted Helms Deep to happen for no reason. And if you're wondering where Aragorn/Legolas/Gimli are, they'll make an appearance towards the end. If anyone wants, I might do a spinoff story focusing on them.**

 **Thanks to BlackBloodAndDeadlyNightshade for the suggestion about Saruman copying Sauron. And thanks to TheDarkLordofDoom for inspiring the Star Wars Prequels reference in this chapter.**

 **As always, thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Thanks a lot to Emperor DeLacus, TheDarkLordofDoom, BlackBloodAndDeadlyNightshade, and Galadrielcats for reviewing. Kind of crazy that this fic has already passed 50 reviews. So thanks again for the support.**


	12. Chapter 12

**Crack out your Google Translate for this chapter, y'all.**

 **Chapter 12**

"So, you're going to come with us, right?" Sauron asked.

Behind him, Shelob spit out an orc's...well, no one was really sure what it was, and glared at Saruman.

The White Wizard cleared his throat. "Well, um...I suppose my landscaping is finished here, so…"

"Great! Let's head north, there's one more person I want to ask for help."

"Because we definitely need more psychopaths in this group…" Mothman sighed.

"No, no, I promise this one's gonna be good. He used to work for my, uh, former employer."

"The one who's currently stuck in a void or something?"

"The very same."

Saruman joined the group and they began walking. "Should we at least bring some of my orcs as reinforcements? A few of the ten thousand that I sent to Helm's Deep?"

Everyone was silent.

"Where is my army?"

"They're all dead," Denethor said finally. "The ones who weren't killed by the Riders of Rohan or lost the will to live from Shelob's...actions...ran into Fangorn forest and were never seen again."

Saruman pinched the bridge of his nose. "Okay. One more cocaine break, and then we leave."

-West of the Misty Mountains-

"So, who is this new member you want to recruit?" Gothmog asked Sauron as they walked.

"It's a surprise."

"I think, for the mental health of this entire group, you should at least give us an idea," Mothman said. "I'm still wondering how many personalities this thing has." He pointed to Gollum, who was still out.

"It's like a Russian nesting doll, but each doll will either insult you, have weird abilities, or be totally useless," Butch said.

"I think it's kinda cute," Shelob said.

"Back on topic," Denethor said. "Who's gonna be the new member?"

"Let's just say he's a man...er, creature, of many talents," Sauron said. "The dwarves of Moria know him as Durin's Bane."

"So is it a really high shelf?" Bowser asked.

"Or an elf?"

"Or a dragon? Ooh, are we looking for a dragon?"

"No! All the dragons are fucking dead," Sauron said. "#RIPSmaug2941."

"Amen," said the Witch-king of Angmar.

-Moria-

The gang arrived at the entrance to the dwarf kingdom. Next to the sheer wall of rock was a suspiciously calm pool of water.

"Dwarf doors are invisible when closed," Sauron said.

"So how are we supposed to find it?" Mothman asked.

"We have to open it, stupid," Shelob said. "Then it will become visible."

"But how are we supposed to open it if we can't find it?"

Everyone laughed at his foolishness. Mothman decided to sit down and let them sort it out.

"Start knocking, maybe," the Witch-king of Angmar said. "Then someone will come and let us in."

Everyone picked a random spot on the wall and began knocking.

"Saruman," Denethor said. "You're a wise wizard. Why don't you do something?"

"Very well." Saruman walked over and checked under the welcome mat near the wall. "Nope, nothing."

"This is boring." Shelob started to walk away. As she moved, her shadow stopped blocking the stone and moonlight shone down onto the wall. They all watched as glowing lines formed the shape of a door, with elvish writing on top.

"I'm taking credit for that one," Saruman said.

"Okay, does anyone know how to read that writing?" Sauron said. "Saruman?"

"Uh…" The wizard squinted at the white lines. "Eh…It says...I have no clue, I forgot my reading glasses."

"What the fuck? You're a wizard, why do you need reading glasses?"

Everyone jumped as a tree trunk slammed into the middle of the group. "Figure this one out, fast, or I'm eating someone," Shelob said.

The Nazgûl turned to their leader. "Maybe we could use your helmet—" The Witch-king silenced them with a glare.

Gollum finally woke up, and Mothman shoved him towards the door. "Fix this before things escalate!"

Everyone waited with baited breath as Gollum walked (or rather, hopped) up to the door and studied it.

"Ah...sí, yo puedo leer esto."

"What is he saying?" Denethor stage-whispered to Gothmog, who shrugged.

"Se lee, 'Las Puertas de Durin, Señor de Moria. Habla Amigo y Entra.'"

"Now I'm even more confused."

"I only speak the Black Speech and Westron," Sauron said. "Some Sindarin but I kinda lost that one over the past two thousand years."

"Hold on, I think I got this," Mothman said. "As the Mouth of Sauron I was gifted with the ability to speak many languages." He turned to Gollum. "¿Quién eres?"

"Me llamo Sméagol."

"¿Y qué dice la puerta?"

"¡Ya les dije!"

Shelob sighed. "I say we just knock him out and start over. Maybe we'll get the smart professor again."

"Basta de la violencia. Me duele la cabeza."

Bowser and Kirby got bored and started skipping stones on the lake. One of the stones splashed into the water, then was thrown back and hit Gothmog in the back of the head.

"A little to the left next time!" Butch called, indicating Gollum. "Wait, who threw that?"

Denethor pointed. "There's something moving in the water!"

"Oh, no! The Loch Ness Monster!" Sauron cried. He rolled his eye. "Can we get back to—woah, I just made myself dizzy."

"Are those tentacles?" the Witch-king of Angmar pointed at the water.

"Yeah, I hear something weird," Mothman said.

"You guys are just stalling at this point," Sauron said. "We need to put all our heads together to get through this door, and making up some water monster with tentacles and it's behind me isn't it?"

"Cthulhu?" Taz snapped a photo.

"HHHHHHHHi guys," said the monster. "I am thhhe Watchhhher in the Water."

"That name's too long," Sauron said. "I'm gonna call you Watchman."

"You can't just do that," Mothman said. "You can't just butcher people's real names and add 'man' to the end, it doesn't work."

"I hhhhhave to say, I kind of like it."

"¡Señor!" Gollum hopped over to Watchman. "¿Sabes la clave para esta puerta?"

"HHHHHHHuhhhhhh?"

"Ignore him," Sauron said. "We need to read these letters so we can get through the door."

"I would love to tell you the password, but thhhhhhe truthhhhh is…"

"Oh, it's a password!" Sauron said. "Why did no one say that before?"

Gollum flipped him off.

"Thhhhhhe truthhhhh is...I want to eat you!"

"Wait, what?"

Shelob stepped in front of Sauron. "Fuck off, sea monster. Eating things and being big and disgusting is MY gig."

"Fighhhhhhht me, hhhhhhho."

Tylenol began recording on his phone. "Oh, this is gonna be good."

 **Thanks to Galadrielcats, TheDarkLordofDoom, and Bjartislingr for reviewing!**


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13**

Shelob skittered into the water, making Watchman recoil.

"Whhhhhhhhy do you hhhhhhave so many legs?"

"You have all those tentacles, why are you asking me questions?" Shelob jumped onto his head.

"AGH!" Watchman suddenly plunged underwater, submerging the both of them.

The lake fell silent.

"Hagan sus apuestas," Gollum said. "Yo apuesto por la araña."

-Underwater-

Shelob drew back a leg and punched Watchman. "Blbugblglhughbhrugbhlrgb!"

Watchman wrapped his tentacles around her abdomen and squeezed. "Blhhhlulrglhhhbrlbulurguhhhhhhhhhhblulurbhhhhhhhullb!"

Back on the surface, the group watched as a bunch of webbing floated to the surface.

"Does that mean she's dead?" Denethor asked.

Shelob was trying to bind the tentacles with her webbing, but Watchman was too slippery and kept avoiding it.

"We need to send in backup," Sauron said. "We can't lose our best fighter."

"What does it say about our group that the greatest fighter needs backup?" Gothmog asked.

"It means fuck you, since you asked that you get to go help Shelob."

"Wait, I can't swi—"

Khamûl ran forward and drop kicked Gothmog into the lake.

At the bottom of the lake, Watchman twisted his tentacles together and began drilling towards Shelob.

"Llbuhglbughulbugluhubgu spaghetti lbgubblbbuglbglbglub." She caught the tip of the tentacles with her mouth and began to suck him in.

" _Lughhhhhuhhhhhghhhhhhuhhhhhugulbulhhhhhglbhhhhhgluhhhhhhluhhhhhu!_ "

With her powerful eight legs, Shelob spun around, trailing Watchman behind her, and then flung him upwards. The monster hurled through the water, crashed into the drowning Gothmog, then continued upwards and over the heads of the group. They all watched as both Cthulhu copy and orc crashed into the doors of Moria.

"Well, I guess our best fighter didn't need help after all," Sauron said.

"Wait, where are his tentacles?" Denethor asked.

Shelob crawled out of the lake, spitting out a sucker. "Waste of my time. Did you all figure out how to open the door yet?"

When the dust cleared, they saw the doors had been broken open and Watchman was lying on a pile of rubble. Gothmog was nowhere to be seen.

"I've noticed the orcs don't last long in this group," Sauron said. "I guess they're kind of the Red Shirts of Middle-earth."

"What?"

Shelob crawled over to Watchman's body.

"¿Qué haces?" Gollum asked.

"What are you doing?" Denethor asked.

"Spoils of war," she answered.

"Oh, Christ, not again," Sauron said. "Everyone cover your ears!"

-Later-

Shelob burped. "Been a while since I've had seafood."

"Well, it was a good thing that you stopped right before eating Gothmog, who turned out to be alive after all," Denethor said.

Everyone stared at him.

"Why did you say that?" Sauron asked. "We were all there and saw it ourselves."

Denethor shrugged and looked into the camera. "Maybe there was someone who missed it."

"Who are you looking at?"

Gothmog coughed up some blood.

Kirby poked one of the dwarf skeletons with his sword. "Looks like something went down here."

"Oh, yeah. Moria's been overrun with orcs. We'll be in good company, guys," Sauron said.

"No me gustan los orcos."

So with Sauron's flaming eye light to guide them, they walked into the depths of Moria.

-Later-

They found thousands of orcs inside one of the massive halls. They all turned to look at the group as they entered.

"We're looking for Durin's Bane," Sauron announced. "Anyone know where he is?"

One of the orcs, named Medroxyprogesterone, or Roxy for short, stepped to the front. "And why should we tell you anything?"

Sauron glared at the orc. "Do you have any idea who you're speaking to?"

"Yeah, Dark Lord Sauron, Servant of Morgoth, Lord of the Rings, yada yada. Listen, we got our own gig in Moria. We don't bow to no Dark Lord."

"Wait, did someone say Lord of the Rings?" one of the orcs asked. "I love that series!"

Roxy ignored him. "Now, shove off before we make you regret it."

Sauron began to laugh darkly. "You're going to regret that. Shelob?"

"I'm full."

"Fuck you."

"If you want to pass through, you must answer me these questions three," Roxy said.

"Questions?" Sauron looked around. "Which of us is the smartest?"

"Professor Patrice, but that might be a bust at the moment." Gothmog rapped on Gollum's head with his sword, knocking him out again.

"Fine, I'll do it. Too bad we don't have the Brain of Sauron here."

"Okay. Ready?" Roxy asked. "What is your name?"

"Sauron, Servant of Morgoth, the Great Eye, the Necromancer, the Lord of the Rings, the Sorcerer, the Black Hand, the Nameless Enemy."

"What is your favorite color?"

"Black. Obviously."

"And the final question...what is your social security number?"

One of the orcs yawned. "This is getting boring. Can't we do Tugog's Tremendous Trial instead?"

"Oh, fine. Send forth your greatest challenger!"

Saruman stepped forward. "I'll take this one, since _someone_ ," he glanced towards the camera, "hasn't been giving me enough lines."

"All right! Saruman the White versus...Tugog the Terrible!"

A very small and skinny orc stepped forward to face off against the wizard.

"This weakling is no match for my might," Saruman said.

"Dance off, bro!" Tugog began to breakdance wildly. The orcs cheered so loud a few rocks fell from the ceiling. Durin turned in his grave. After a full five minutes, he stopped and turned to Saruman. "Your turn!"

Butch looked down at the unconscious Gollum. "Do you think there's a Dancing Queen somewhere in there?"

"Very well!" Saruman threw off his white robe, revealing an identical one underneath. "I become not Saruman the White, but Saruman of Many Colors! Hit it Sauron!"

Sauron hit the wizard with several beams of light, turning him into a disco ball. Mothman started beatboxing as the wizard breakdanced. The Nazgûl cheered him on. Shelob was bored.

When he was finished, Saruman winced and stood back up. "I'm gonna feel that tomorrow, for sure."

Tugog stepped forward and crossed his arms. "Not bad...for an old man." Then he began to Irish dance so fast his legs were nothing more than a blur. The orc crowd went wild, screaming like crazy.

The ceiling burst open, showering the group below with rubble. Tugog was crushed. Everyone gaped as a huge, hellish creature shoved his head through the hole.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" the Balrog roared. "I can't hear my Cutthroat Kitchen marathon over your ruckus!"

"Hey!" Sauron cheered. "Just who I was looking for. How ya been, Big B?"

 **I hope someone got that Monty Python reference lol. Thanks to Galadrielcats for suggesting the Brain of Sauron and Bjartislingr for suggesting Saruman of the Many Colors.**

 **As always, thanks for reading and I hope this chapter made you laugh. Thanks to Bjartislingr, TheDarkLordofDoom, star, Guest, and Origami cats for the reviews! Stay tuned for the next chapter!**


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14**

"Sauron?" The Balrog peered down at him. "Where's the rest of your body?"

"It's a long story. You've been hanging out here the entire time?"

"Yeah, ever since Morgoth was defeated. Been chilling mostly."

"Can we come up?"

"Yeah, sure thing. Just go through the hall, make the third left, go up two flights of stairs, take the third right, go down fourteen flights of stairs, take the second exit at the roundabout, hop over the deathly chasm, go through the fifth door on the left, keep right, take the next legal U-turn, make another left, and the destination will be on your front."

"...Did anyone get all that?"

"I have extreme short term memory, sorry," Gothmog said. "Who are you guys again?"

Shelob shot a web up to the hole the Balrog had created and pulled herself up. Saruman used his wizard powers to fly up. Tylenol took an upskirt picture of the wizard as he passed. Mothman burrowed underground and somehow ended up above.

This left Sauron, Gollum, Gothmog, Denethor, and the Nazgûl down below.

"All right," Sauron said. "Let's just follow those directions. It can't be that hard, can it?"

-Thirty Minutes Later-

"WE ARE LOST!" Gollum was back to himself again.

"Wow," Denethor said. "For once that was entirely grammatically correct."

"No signal down here either," Decepticon said, holding his phone up. "GPS is a bust."

Sauron sighed. "Let's just go through the directions again. Third left, up two flights, third right, go down four flights of stairs—"

"I thought it was fourteen," Denethor said.

The Witch-king of Angmar threw up his hands. "Well, that puts us way off track!"

Gollum threw himself down on the floor and sobbed dramatically.

Gothmog coughed. "Are those peanuts I smell? I have a severe allergy."

"Peanuts?" Sauron looked up. "Maybe those belong the the Balrog."

"What on earth would give you that impression?"

"The plot. Now, if you start swelling up, we'll know we're going in the right direction."

"That's evil of you."

"Thanks. Onwards!"

"We don't like peanuts, precious. Not enough boneses."

-With the Balrog-

"This is delicious," Mothman said. The other half of the group was sitting around a table, eating the dish the Balrog had served them. "What's in it?"

"That's a secret," the Balrog said. "I will say, though, that crushed dwarf bones make an incredible binding agent."

Saruman discreetly spat out the food.

"Hey, wizard," the Balrog said. "You seen Gandalf the Gray lately?"

"As a matter of fact, I had taken him prisoner a while back," Saruman said. "But he escaped on the back of a giant eagle."

"That's why you always eat your enemies," Shelob said. "Can't escape from my large intestine."

"Let me know if you see him again," the Balrog said. "Son of a bitch gave me three stars on Yelp and I haven't torn his ass up for that yet." He cracked his whip for emphasis.

A choking sound sounded from down the hallway, making them all look up. A minute later, the rest of the group entered the room. The Nazgûl were supporting a half-asphyxiated Gothmog.

"Yay, we found you guys!" Sauron said. "Does anyone have an Epi-Pen?"

-Later-

"What is it making?" Gollum asked as the Balrog added some ingredients to a pot.

"They're potatoes."

"What's taters, precious?"

"I don't know! Because I'm cooking with potatoes, not whatever hick kinda food taters is."

At the table, Taz looked over at Gothmog. "Aren't you going to eat anything? This stuff is delicious!"

"Sorry, but I'm lactose intolerant and diabetic, and I have a gluten allergy, a nut allergy, a corn allergy, a seafood allergy, and meat often gives me intestinal distress."

"So...what do you eat?" Mothman asked.

"Mostly veggies."

"That's some elvish shit right there," Sauron said. "Laaaaaame."

"AH!" Denethor frantically waved his sleeve as it caught on fire.

"Don't worry, I got this," the Balrog took a canister from the wall and sprayed the former Steward of Gondor with flames. "Shit, wrong one." He picked up the fire extinguisher that was hanging next to the flamethrower and used it.

Saruman raised his hand. "Do you have any cocaine?"

"Cabinet to the left, top shelf."

"All right, as boring as this is," Sauron said. "Since I can't eat anything, and I'm the most important person here...let's get to the reason why we came here. We want you to join our group."

"Why?"

"I found the location of the One Ring. It's in the Shire. I'm putting together a team to go get it back. And thank god it's the last time I have to say that!"

The Balrog stroked his chin. "Well, it would be nice to see what kind of food they have in the Shire. And I hear that Gandalf sometimes hangs out there. Fine. I'll join your group—"

"Yes!"

"On one condition." The Balrog grinned. "You all have to beat me in a cooking competition."

Several protests arose from the group.

"I can't be around high temperatures!" Gothmog said.

"And neither can I, apparently," Denethor said as he patted out some leftover flames on his robe.

"I can't even see," Mothman said.

"Well, neither could Remy under that chef's hat, but that never stopped him from making the best _**GODDAMN**_ Ratatouille that Paris had ever seen." The Balrog slammed his fist on the table. "Now put on your aprons or I'll skin you and make chicken nuggets from the rest."

"I technically don't have skin," Gothmog said. "Just abnormal growths."

"I literally don't have skin," Sauron said.

"Do we have skin, Khamûl?" Bart asked.

"I'm ready to just fight this asshole and move on," Shelob said.

"No fighting. Here are your ingredients: macaroni, blackberries, English muffins, and hockey sticks. Now make something good _**OR I'LL EAT EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU**_."

-Thirty Minutes Later-

Mothman was stumbling around, having no idea what was going on. The Nazgûl were all trying to make different things, taking each other's ingredients and getting in everyone's way. Denethor already had several burns. Gothmog was on the floor, wheezing. Every time a piece of food was prepared, Shelob ate it.

In the midst of the chaos, Saruman was rapidly whisking the bowl of eggs.

"Wow, you actually look like you know what you're doing," Bowser commented.

"I am coked out of my _mind_ right now and somehow this makes sense." The wizard turned to continue his vegetable stir fry.

The only happy one was Gollum, who was munching on fish from the fridge.

Sauron looked over to the Balrog's side of the kitchen, but it was too covered in steam to see what was going on. "It's probably not even that good."

"Times up!" the Balrog announced. "Let's see what you put together."

The Nazgûl had put all the assigned ingredients in a blender, microwaved it for twenty minutes, then added melted cheese.

"The cheese was a good choice," the Balrog said. "However, I feel the hockey stick chunks overpower the sweetness of the blackberries. Five out of ten."

He turned to Gollum, who was passed out in a pile of fishbones. He said nothing and moved on.

Saruman had made an admittedly nice stir fry.

"This is delicious," the Balrog said. "But you _**DIDN'T USE ANY OF THE ASSIGNED INGREDIENTS!**_ " He hit him with his fiery whip, but the wizard was too high to feel it. He turned and hit Denethor again.

"OW! I'M ON FIRE AGAIN!"

"Let's see what you made," Sauron said. "I bet it was just okay."

The Balrog pulled aside a tablecloth, revealing a five course meal.

"Fried oreos!" the Nazgûl dived towards the table. "Okay, you win."

"No!" Sauron cried. "If I could, I would throw down the Hat of Sauron right now."

The Balrog gave a long, loud laugh. "I haven't had this much fun in a while. All right, I'll join your mission. But in return...I want to cook one of you."

Everyone turned to Gothmog.

"I hate you guys," the orc said.

 **Thanks to TheDarkLordofDoom for suggesting the Balrog/chef thing. Huge thanks to TheDarkLordofDoom, Guest, and star for reviewing.**


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